Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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