Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
