I will die if light touches me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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