she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
