I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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