I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
