I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
