i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
