Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
