my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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