There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
