The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
