and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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