mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
