he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
