this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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