Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
