I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
