i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
