I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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