I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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