How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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