I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
