I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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