This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I love you. Go after that dick
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
