I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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