Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
