how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
