I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
