I am midnight drunk by noon
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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