John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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