Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
