She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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