im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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