I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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