I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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