If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
