we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
