I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
