I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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