....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Found your dick twin last night
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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