last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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