i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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