He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
