Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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