All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
