You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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