yo everyone went to the hospital last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
