i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The ass gains better be worth it
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