if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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