I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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