my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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