if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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