so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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