I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
