I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
