i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
