I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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