Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
