Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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