Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
