Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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