I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
