we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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